A few thoughts on Healing

We can’t fix or heal others. People can only heal themselves by facing their shadows and actually doing the work. I’ve had to learn this the hard way over the years. Hurt people, hurt people. Whether intentional or not. I will lovingly walk with others through their healing process as long as they are making an effort, but I will no longer try to rescue anyone, it never ends well. Even the greatest love can’t save someone who isn’t willing to do the dirty work and save themself.

Authenticity and the Great Falling Away

I’ve discovered over the years that true friendship and love is revealed when we are no longer of use to someone. When all we have to give is our vulnerable, imperfect selves.
This becomes a major weeding process. Anyone can say ‘I love you’ when you’re offering them something, but those who say ‘I love you’ when you’ve nothing to offer but your authentic self are friends to be be treasured ❤
As we begin to love and value ourselves to such a degree that we are no longer willing to tolerate mistreatment, just sit back and watch as those in your life begin to fall away, and those who truly love and value you draw closer. 

Being true to ourselves, our values, our personal convictions will piss a lot of people off, but it will also forge deep meaningful connections with others who are dedicated to living a life of truth and authenticity.

  

Life Will Break You-Yet we Break our own Hearts

“Life will break you.Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.
You have to love.
You have to feel.
It is the reason you are here on earth.
You are here to risk your heart.
You are here to be swallowed up.
And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
~ Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum
 

We break our own hearts by allowing others to determine our worth, our value, our beauty
We alone place our fragile hearts in the hands of others trusting that they will offer protection and safety.
We break our own hearts by trusting in words without actions to back them up. Our hearts so hungry to receive love and affirmation, the validation we never received, yet always longed for.
We settle for crumbs, and quickly gobble them up, leaving us hungry for more, a perpetual state of soul starvation.
We break our own hearts when we place others happiness, comfort and peace above our own, expecting the same in return, yet left empty time and time again.
But just as we break our own hearts, we also have the ability to heal our hearts by recognizing our own value and worth, by feeding ourselves with unconditional love, and by speaking truth backed with action into our own lives.
We become whole once again.

We Attract that which we Project

I never really believed in the concept of ‘soul mates’ or ‘twin flames’. Love was never really my thing. As a young girl most boys I met seemed shallow and superficial. I lived in a very rich inner world and spent most of my time writing, making music and skating. I was friends with a lot of boys, but it never really went much farther than that. The few times that I did decide to get involved with a guy I dealt with extreme jealousy, cheaters or superficial interaction. 
In my adult life I remained married for 21 years to the same man. It was a safe, solid marriage. It wasn’t until after my divorce that I really gained a better understanding of what was ‘out there’. Three years of dating opened my eyes to the ins and outs of relationships. I was totally clueless I’m ashamed to say and way too trusting and naive.  Here are a few things I’ve learned over the course of the past 5 years.

  • Take time to heal after a divorce or coming out of a long term relationship- It takes time to heal, recover and decide clearly what exactly we desire wihin a realationship. It’s a confusing time full of mixed emotions.  Although the lonliness feels overwhelming at times, the wound raw, it really is best to allow ourselves to heal before jumping into something new. This time frame is different for everyone, take as long as you need to resolve the conflicting emotions within. There are many out there who will take advantage of your vulnerabilities . Protect your heart by giving yourself time to heal and gain a clearer perspective on what it in exactly that you desire.
  • Learn to identitify love vs lust.- This was a huge and very painful lesson for me. Being inexperienced I was clueless  in regards to this scenario.  Be weary of those who initially come on strong, professing their love early on and using over the top flattery. There are many men (and women I’d guess) who live for the thrill of the chase. They will come on fast any furious, put you on a pedestal, convince you that you are’the one’.  Sadly, once they realize they caught you they will quickly disappear leaving you heartbroken. These types usually are emotionally unavailable and live for the high of the initial attraction, yet once issues start popping up they check out.  The best advice I have to offer is to guard your heart. It’s easy to proclaim such declarations of love while the flames of passion are burning, yet the truth is revealed once those flames die down to a simmer.  It took three short term relationships to learn this sadly. 
  • Pay attention to actions, talk is cheap- A huge lesson! It’s not what people say, it’s what they DO. If you find words and actions that  don’t line up, that’s a  huge red flag. Talk is cheap. If someone REALLY loves you, you will know, you’ll  never have to continually question it, you will know by their actions or lack thereof. 

Yes, it’s been a painful process, yet I still believe in the idea of soulmates and twin flames.  Sometimes we must learn what love isn’t before we get to experience love in it’s fullest . I learned something from each of  the men I dated. But the biggest lesson I learned was that love and acceptance, value and strength must first and foremost come from within ourselves.  As we continue to value ad love ourselves we will raise our standards and no longer tolerate mistreatment  or disrespect. When we reach a place of feeling whole and complete within we no longer seek anything or anyone outside of ourselves for validation, approval or happiness. No, we don’t NEED another, we DESIRE another to add to our already rich lives. Huge difference!  We attract what we feel we deserve. If we feel undeserving of true, mutual love and committment we will attract those who are emotionally unavailable and non committal. If we feel deserving of true love, respect and committment we will no longer tolerate being treated as a mere option in a sea of pretty faces.  

For those of us desiring true unconditional love we must first experience the pain of loss and choose to learn from those who have caused the deepest pain. They are catalysts.

From all of the pain, the pleasure and challenge emerges your greatest opportunity for growth and spiritual development. In learning the lessons from your soul-mate relationship you can begin the process of moving on and healing; clearing away those blockages that previously prevented you from giving and receiving love unconditionally. It is only when you are able to do this that you will be ready to open your heart to the prospect of meeting your true love. That person who brings out the best in you; loves, supports and challenges you in a way that enables you to be the best possible version of yourself. This person is most commonly referred to as our Twin Flame.

As the name suggests your Twin Flame is, indeed your twin. Together you have balance; you compliment the strength and weaknesses of one another, coming together for a greater purpose whilst forming a strong partnership. This relationship is all about balance, love and harmony something that cannot be achieved when one, or both partners are still holding on those shadow aspects of themselves. Those shadow aspects being fear, negative thoughts and emotions. Your twin flame will enter your life when you are in that place where you no longer feel the need to dominate your lover or relationship, no longer fear rejection or no longer carry the expectation that every romantic partner is going to betray you. When you have let go of the love issues, patterns and behaviours from the past you free yourself up to experience the love of a lifetime that is right for you.

-Om Times

You can find the full Om Times article on soulmates/Twin Flames Here

 

I had to be broken so I could Meet You

I came across this beautiful poem by Sarah Harvey and it brought tears to my eyes. Being broken forever changes you. Where there was once deep trust, we are faced with lingering fear; where there was once freedom, we construct the highest walls. Yet it’s in our seemingly weakest state that we somehow find strength to trust once again and together share in our brokenness, gently merging into love once more, with the deepest compassion we surrender. The ‘one’ willing to not only love us, but embrace us fully in our brokeness is the ‘one’ worth waiting for, the ‘one’ who becomes a safe place to fully trust with our delicate hearts.

  

I had to be broken so I could meet you by Sarah Harvey

It couldn’t have happened any other way.
My heart had to be splintered, smashed, just short of shattering completely.
I had to fly low and dive deep.
I had to let myself disintegrate into wounded ashes.
Yes.
 I had to be broken so I could meet you.
Because I didn’t learn to be myself until I was broken.
The exquisite elixir of vulnerability transformed me.
It opened my eyes and unlocked my heart.
 I had to be broken so I could meet you.
Because those jagged shards became beautiful as they opened up new space in my fragile heart.
Space that wasn’t there before.
Space I didn’t know about.
Space that your heart needed so it could entangle entirely with mine.
I had to be broken so I could meet you.
And you had to be broken, too.
Because when our shattered hearts saw each other for the first time,
They were wise and knew this was real.
We both breathed in, and by the time that inhale transformed into an exhale,
I was yours and you were mine.
A simple transformation, a beautiful alchemical exchange.
 I had to be broken so I could meet you.
Of course, I was broken all along.
I just didn’t always know it.
Of course, you were broken all along.
You just didn’t always know it.
But, it’s so lucky we were both destroyed—
Because our fragile hearts slid perfectly together between those sharp shards.
Now fused permanently with glossy golden ribbon,
Our formerly tattered hearts smile and sunbathe in bliss.
Pure bliss.
 I had to be broken so I could meet you.
Because being broken made me courageous.
And I needed to be brave enough to show you my flaws,
Which are actually the things you love the most.
And you needed to be brave enough to show me your flaws,
Which are actually the things I love the most.
 

I had to be broken so I could meet you.
Because brokenness made me real.
You had to be broken so you could meet me.
Because brokenness made you real.
And, what we both wanted
More than anything
Was to be
Real.
-Sarah Harvey
 

  

Embracing the Masculine Energy

“The feminine always seems chaotic and complicated from the perspective of the masculine. The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer _____ (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way (whatever you filled in the blank with). Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you. You can’t escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much. The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will. The world and your woman will always present you with unforeseen challenges. You are either living fully, giving your gift in the midst of those challenges, even today, or you are waiting for an imaginary future which will never come.” ― David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

This is so good! I have started reading David Deida’s book “The Way of the Superior Man”. Let me tell you, my mind is being blown.  I am proud to be among the growing number of women out there who refuse to settle for shallow, superficial relationships with ‘boys’. 

Yes, boys will view a woman’s  wild nature as ‘chaotic’ full of drama, too emotional. Can I just say, that’s not my problem. As I have learned to balance both my masculine and feminine energies, I am more aware now more than ever of my truth and what I will and will not tolerate. The only way a ‘boy’ will step into his purpose and maturity is if we as women start to challenge them. I’m not talking control here, for we know control and manipulation are not going to work, they are simply ineffective tools that temporarily modify behavior. Who wants to take on such a heavy burden? 

No we use our feminine energy to challenge the masculine to step up into his ‘own’ power. This creates an atmosphere of authenticity, the choice is his, not through fear or manipulation, but love.

Likewise, men who challenge their woman by modeling the strength and confidence of their own masculine energy creates a safe place and a solid foundation for expression and growth. I have no desire for a ‘yes man’ nor do I have a desire to be ‘mama’ to a man that refuses to grow beyond hormone laden adolescence.  I am not afraid of masculine intensity, why? Because I am secure in who I am as a woman, complicated, intense emotions and all. I recognize the value of a strong, solid, secure man to bring balance to my wild feminine side. 

It’s time for men to take back their power! The power that was stripped away little by little by the extreme feminist movement to. In a sense they have welcomed this stripping as it has released them of their pure masculine responsibility, yet at the same time there has been a growing resentment toward women as a result of this emasculation.  It has created a culture of men who have objectified women, and women who have shamed men for their sexual desire. 

The TrueLove

  
THE TRUELOVE

There is a faith 
in loving fiercely

the one who is 

rightfully yours

especially if you have

waited years and especially

if you never believed

you could deserve this 

loved and beckoning hand

held out to you this way.
I am thinking of faith now

and the testaments of loneliness

and what we feel we are

worthy of in this world
and of the story

of the storm 

and everyone

waking and seeing

the distant

yet familiar figure

far across the water

calling to them.
And how we are all 

preparing for that 

abrupt waking, 

and that calling,

and that moment 

we have to say yes,

except it will

not come so grandly

so Biblically

but more subtly

and intimately in the face 

of the one you know

you have to love.
So that when 

we finally step 

out of the boat 

toward them, we find

everything holds

us, and everything 

confirms our courage, 

and if you wanted 

to drown you could, 

but you don’t 

because finally 

after all this struggle

and all these years

you don’t want 

to any more

you’ve simply

had enough

of drowning
and you want 

to live 

and you 

want to love 

and you will

walk across any territory

and any darkness

however fluid and however

dangerous to take the

one hand you know

belongs in yours.

-David Whyte -THE TRUE LOVE