I believe so many relationships/marriages fail because we expect the ‘other’ to prove their love by meeting our demands whether spoken or unspoken. How unrealistic is that? We expect others to fill those empty, wounded places in us that we have been too afraid to explore and fill ourselves. What a tremendous burden to put on another. If only s/he would do this and not do that things would be perfect. Yeah right.. When we alone begin to recognize our core wounds, our empty places, and choose to heal and fill them ourselves, the process of self love and acceptance propel us into a greater state of wholeness within, we are complete.. Imagine two individuals willing to embrace this!! No more codependency, but interdependency…Oh yes
It has occurred to me on a very deep level recently how what we experience as pain and suffering throughout our lives truly can become our greatest catalysts toward inner healing and freedom.
I used to view myself as a victim of life’s circumstances, many situations i have experienced were beyond my control, some were a result of poor decisions i made along the way and almost always presented themselves as a result of me ignoring my intuition and being a people pleaser i just did not have it in me to say no out of fear of potential rejection.
We often blame others for our suffering, but if we are brave enough to take a long, hard look at ourselves we will almopst always discover that we were seeking something in return.
We can call ourselves martyrs, lovers, or righteous, but that only keeps us in a loop of denial and we go on continuing the same pattern.
I don’t want to go too far down the ‘primal wound’ rabbit hole here, i’ll save that for another post, however the bottom line is that in our current relationships with others that we experience as challenging or even abusive we tolerate mistreatment in a feeble attempt to settle a score from our earlier, more formative years with our closest providers.
This does not only apply to romantic relationships, but how we interact and relate to all personal connections.
Those we allow into our inner circle are the ones who most often trigger us the most. We then attach labels to them and either choose to avoid them, bond with them or form a love/hate relationship with them.
Healthy connections with others can only be obtained when we are open and willing to be honest and authentic with one another, and this requires vulnerability and trust, and that is fucking terrifying!
However change only occurs when we ourselves grow tired of our own bullshit, we are the only ones who truly have the power and ability to change, to grow and evolve beyond past conditioning and unhealthy patterns.
Vulnerability does not mean baring our souls prematurely and exposing ourselves to others before trust has been established. No vulnerability is often times more a slow unfolding, one layer at a time and simply holding a safe space for one another in the process no matter how long that process may be.
When you consider all the various elements that must combine in forming long lasting, fulfilling love and relationship, one gains a much deeper perspective on what true relationship, or union looks like.
Think about it. We have two separate individuals, each multi fasceted and each filled with various emotions , thought patterns, experiences, likes and dislikes, values etc.
But let me back up a bit here. We all know that there must be that initial spark between two people to create interest and desire to go deeper, to explore, or what some call chemistry.
And then we have the firming of a solid foundation built on mutual trust, honesty, and connection.
Add to the equation, passion, friendship, similar values and interests, fun, laughter and mutual understanding.
Its no wonder true love is so incredibly rare.
It has been my observation that what ends up happening is we form attachments to others based on a sense of lack within ourselves. Little by little we begin to overlook those unappealing qualities in the other and in a desperate attempt to avoid our own loneliness we compromise and settle for good enough.
Humans are terrified, it seems of being alone, or feelings of deep loneliness and for many it is to be avoided at all costs.
As one becomes more secure within and although might experience bouts of loneliness from time to time, simply acknowledges those often uncomfortable moments and accepts them for what they are without trying to artificially fill the void with any old warm body, one begins to grow in confidence, and discovers an deep inner strength and satisfaction that no other living soul could come close to providing. We begin to recognognize that there is no void that must be filled, no lack or nothing truly missing.
From this state of being, although there is almost always a continual longing for connection, for the one, for love, it is no longer a mission or a feeling of desperation that fuels that longing.
We see it all the time. People enter into long term committed relationships out of convenience, believing that the early stages of a romantic relationship will sustain them , complete them, offer that missing piece they had been searching for most of their lives. However as soon as disappointment and unmet needs surface the house of cards swiftly comes tumbling down and many begin the search once again to find the missing puzzle piece. Wash and repeat.
Those of us in the world of singledom (especially after 40) have witnessed the damage first hand. A trail of wounded, broken casualties resulting in a greater inability to try and openly trust again
I offer no solutions, only observation. It is my belief that we simply must create a life for ourselves that is both fulfilling and nourishing and remain open to the possibility that another may enter our lives and add to our already rich life in a very powerful way that will help create in us an even better version of ourselves, or the possibility that we may indeed spend the rest of our days alone. If the latter is true, then the person (ourselves) that we live with is the only soul we can rely on for happiness and fufillment. And the only living soul any of us have any power or control over.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
I think what most of us desire on the deepest level is connection. I am all for love and tend to be a romantic at heart, but connection is something far beyond love.
Out of an entire ocean of people it is nothing short of miraculous to find that one person, (or select few if you are really lucky), that you connect with on every level. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and physically. It is extremely rare indeed.
I have gathered stories over the years through my travels and experiences of those who have found such a deep connection.
I am an observer and when one stumbles upon the beauty of such a connection it is easy to recognize. When they are together they radiate pure love.
I was pondering this morning how that must feel, to live out your life with a partner you share such a depth of connection with.
I am a bit unusual in that I tend to enjoy my solitude. I am not one who needs a relationship per se, because as i have experienced being with a person who I don’t connect with entirely only brings discontent and a deeper loneliness than if i were on my own. I think many choose partners who will fit into their world, who will meet their needs or fill some sort of void, or fill that place of lonliness and discontent.
I will admit that facing the world solo, and carrying the weight of everyday struggles can be overwhelming and lonely at times, but being with the wrong person only adds to that heaviness.
Two autonomous souls who each have their own unique passions, their own interests, who are comfortable within themselves seek those who add another layer of beauty, love and life to their already rich existence.Although already complete on an individual level, this sense of greater, deeper completion is birthed.
There is a certain alchemy here of two individual substances, merged, creating a third , combined substance, profound love that becomes an elixir to offer healing to the world through osmosis in a very natural, organic way.
Yet, every couple I have spoken to that shares such a connection, an alchemical union has also described this alchemical process as one of the greatest challenges both have faced. From an alchemical perspective this process involves 7 stages, each with varying degrees of intensity. The process below was taken from various sources online, mostly from. http://www.esotericonline.net
First Stage – Calcination
This is the destruction of ego and our attachments to material possessions. Calcination is usually a natural humbling process as we are gradually assaulted and overcome by the trials and tribulations of life, though it can be a deliberate surrender of our inherent hubris gained through a variety of spiritual disciplines that ignite the fire of introspection and self-evaluation.
Physiologically, the Fire of Calcination can be experienced as the metabolic discipline or aerobic activity that tunes the body, burning off excesses from overindulgence and producing a lean, mean, fighting machine. Calcination begins in the Base or Lead Chakra at the sacral cup at the base of the spine.
Second Stage – Dissolution
Psychologically, this represents a further breaking down of the artificial structures of the psyche by total immersion in the unconscious, non-rational, feminine or rejected part of our minds. It is, for the most part, an unconscious process in which our conscious minds let go of control to allow the surfacing of buried material. It is opening the floodgates and generating new energy from the waters held back. Dissolution can be experienced as “flow,” the bliss of being well-used and actively engaged in creative acts without traditional prejudices, personal hang-ups, or established hierarchy getting in the way.
Physiologically, Dissolution is the continuance of the opening-up of energy channels in the body to recharge and elevate every single cell. Dissolution takes place in the Genital or Tin Chakra and involves the lungs and spleen.
Third Stage – Separation
Psychologically, this process is the rediscovery of our essence and the reclaiming of dream and visionary “gold” previously rejected by the masculine, rational part of our minds. It is, for the most part, a conscious process in which we review formerly hidden material and decide what to discard and what to reintegrate into our refined personality. Much of this shadowy material is things we are ashamed of or were taught to hide away by our parents, churches, and schooling. Separation is letting go of the self-inflicted restraints to our true nature, so we can shine through.
Physiologically, Separation is following and controlling the breath in the body as it works with the forces of Spirit and Soul to give birth to new energy and physical renewal. Separation begins in the Navel or Iron Chakra located at the level of the solar plexus.
Fourth Stage – Conjunction
Psychologically, it is empowerment of our true selves, the union of both the masculine and feminine sides of our personalities into a new belief system or an intuitive state of consciousness. The alchemists referred to it as the Lesser Stone, and after it is achieved, we discover union with the Over self. Often, synchronicities begin to occur that confirm the alchemist is on the right track.
Physiologically, Conjunction is using the body’s sexual energies for personal transformation. Conjunction takes place in the body at the level of the Heart or Copper Chakra.
Fifth Stage – Fermentation
Physiologically, Fermentation is the rousing of living energy (chi) in the body to heal and vivify. It is expressed as vibratory tones and spoken truths emerging from the Throat or Mercury Chakra.
Sixth Stage – Distillation
Psychologically, Distillation is the agitation and sublimation of psychic forces is necessary to ensure that no impurities from the inflated ego or deeply submerged id are incorporated into the next and final stage. Personal Distillation consists of a variety of introspective techniques that raise the content of the psyche to the highest level possible, free from sentimentality and emotions, cut off even from one’s personal identity. Distillation is the purification of the unborn Self ¾ all that we truly are and can be.
Physiologically, Distillation is raising the life force repeatedly from the lower regions in the cauldron of the body to the brain (what Oriental alchemists called the Circulation of the Light), where it eventually becomes a wondrous solidifying light full of power. Distillation is said to culminate in the Third, Eye area of the forehead, at the level of the pituitary and pineal glands, in the Brow or Silver Chakra.
Seventh Stage – Coagulation
Psychologically, Coagulation is first sensed as a new confidence that is beyond all things, though many experience it as a Second Body of golden coalesced light, a permanent vehicle of consciousness that embodies the highest aspirations and evolution of mind. Coagulation incarnates and releases the Ultima Materia of the soul, the Astral Body, which the alchemists also referred to it as the Greater or Philosopher’s Stone.
Physiologically, this stage is marked by the release of the Elixir in the blood that rejuvenates the body into a perfect vessel of health. A brain ambrosia is said to be released through the interaction of light from the phallic-shaped pineal gland and matter from the vulva of the pituitary. This heavenly food or viaticum both nourishes and energizes the cells without any waste products being produced. These physiological and psychological processes create the Second Body, a body of solid light that emerges through the Crown or Gold Chakra.
The alchemical process is not for the faint of heart, clearly. It is the phoenix rising from the ashes. It involves a total destruction of all that is artificial of all old thought patterns and beliefs. And this is why few truly achieve sacred union. It is easier to continue on with what offers comfort. Yet, comfort always has an underlying restless, unfufilled yearning attached to it.
Every morning and afternoon as i make my way to town along the long winding 2 lane mountain road that runs through the heart of these majestic mountains, i pass by a small shack that is bordered by pasture land full of grazing cattle. And like clockwork, there he is. A hearty, old mountain man faithfully working in his small, yet abundant vegetable garden.
I’ve observed this process that began in early spring as he plowed the soil, planted seed, meticulously and faithfully weeded his little garden, and now as he reaps the harvest of his dedicated effort.
I observed as this rather stoic old man began losing weight, and slowing his pace, yet faithfully he continued with the job at hand.
I never saw anyone else with him, aside from his faithful four legged companion, by his side.
As i passed by each morning, a quick wave and smile were my gifts to him. There was something about this man that touched my heart. I found myself making a habit out of sending him love and a short prayer as i drove by.
Then this morning i noticed a strange car parked in his driveway, the drivers side door left open, indicating a sense of urgency.
And there in the middle of the drive i saw a rather heavy set old woman facing the gruff old mountain man, holding both of his rugged, yet frail hands in hers, looking deep into each others eyes, tears streaming down both of their faces.
Something about this rather intimate moment touched me deeply as i found myself tearing up along with them. I have no idea what was transpiring between the two of them, but what i did know was that love was at work here. I could feel it so deeply, a profound connection.
As i continued on i began meditating on love and the powerful effect it has on each and every one of us. I got the impression that this man had become hardened over time, isolating himself as many do who are struggling. Yet this one, tenacious old woman took the risk. She dared to love and reached a place within him that had been closed off for many years, she took the risk believing that the power of love could break through his walls and bring healing.
How often do we dare to take such a risk? Do we allow ego and pride to take over and move along, giving our gift of love only to those who openly receive? Or do we cast aside our own pride and fear of rejection, push past moments of frustration to offer our gift of love to another, willing to face rejection time and time again for some greater good.
I received a deep lesson this morning and i choose love. Again, and again i will always choose love.
How often it is said that actions speak louder than words, yet words spoken from a heart that loves deeply, unconditionally, burning with passion and desire, carries it’s own unique fragrance .
There is little room here for cliches, ‘sweet nothings,’ or inspired quotes borrowed from another’s sacred muse.
A Love that reaches way down to the hidden depths of the heart and soul, a place where unfinished poetry and unfufilled longing reside, waiting for the one worthy of its expression to penetrate those secret walled off chambers, carrying a sacred release of longing fulfilled at last.
Deep calling unto deep.
I won’t compete with any woman to ‘win’ a mans heart, ever. If i ever have to lower myself by showing my boobs, playing the role of damsel in distress, broken bird in need of rescuing, or use my sexuality to lure him in, I have chosen the wrong man. I have given away my true power. My heart has been broken as a result of my personal convictions many times and i have confused a mans lust for me as love, only to end up broken and alone in the end.
When beauty begins to fade (and it will) and the fire of passion dies down (and it will) as lifes mundane challenges begin to surface (they will) It is my heart that will be my greatest asset, my ability to love without condition, offer a lasting devotion, and my inner strength the pure essence of who i am, forged by a willingness to heal and transform my own deepest wounds.
So girls, you ‘win’ him through seduction…Until the next ‘hot girl’ comes along willing to offer even more without any pressure placed on him to actually evolve and grow through his personal challenges and struggles. And when the hero becomes wounded in battle, no longer able to to rescue the poor maiden from her own demise, she will find herself a new hero while you bleed alone.
What have you really won? You won temporary infatuation which may feel like love until the going gets tough and you find yourself weathering the storms alone.
You deserve more. So much more. A man who cherishes your tender heart and vows to protect it and pour into it the love you deserve, the one who recognizes your inner beauty and nurtures that which is already inside of you, one who believes in your ability to fight your own battles and courageously supports you and stands by you resisting the urge to save you, he trusts in your ability to save yourself.
Sweet girl, until you learn to see yourself as beautiful, loved and valuable you will continue to seek validation from men who offer flattery and empty promises until another shiny new object comes along.. A woman who is confident has no need for such shallowness.