Home-Shelter from the Storm

​As i drove down the winding mountain road to town the other day the sky quickly darkened as gray storm clouds rolled in followed by heavy rain and wind gusts.
As i turned a bend, sitting atop a hill sat an old, simple white house with a wrap around porch. I could see the warm light illuminating through the windows creating a sense of safety, warmth and comfort, shelter from the storm.

The longing for comfort beneath the roof of this simple home increased until it felt as if my very soul was being pulled from my body in a desperate attempt to join and connect to another part of itself somewhere out there.


And now, days later, this image remains. The world can be so harsh, filled with uncertainty and sudden change. When i find myself feeling unsettled, afraid or alone i return to this image as a source of comfort.

Sometimes we need something tangible to embrace. Something seen, felt, touched, experienced. Something that bridges what we feel inside, the unseen to that which is experienced on the outside. The feeling this image evoked remains and centers me when anxiety and uncertainty hits. A gift that i alone embraced in such a simple intimate, yet deeply profound moment.




How often it is said that actions speak louder than words, yet words spoken from a heart that loves deeply, unconditionally, burning with passion and desire,  carries it’s own unique fragrance . 

There is little room here for cliches,  ‘sweet  nothings,’ or inspired quotes borrowed from another’s sacred muse.
 A Love that reaches way down to the hidden depths of the heart and soul, a place where unfinished poetry and unfufilled longing reside,  waiting for the one worthy of its expression to penetrate those secret walled off chambers, carrying a sacred release of longing fulfilled at last.
Deep calling unto deep.

A New Garment 

​It isn’t what we DO, or accomplish that defines us,  it’s who we ARE. 

Embracing who we are in both the shadowy realms of darkness and under the illuminating brightness of daylight.
We are both and, above as below.
Through the long arduous journey through the deepest valley of suffering, to the highest peaks of joy, who have we become at our journeys end?
Have our sorrows birthed in us greater compassion, empathy,  kindness and strength? Have we abandoned ourselves in the valley of sorrow and allowed darkness to consume us, become blinded by the blazing sun choosing the comfort of denial to avoid the fear of night?
Each and every part of our journey carries deeper truths along the way; from bloody battle ground to quiet moments of rest and recovery beside still water, we carry each and every experience within us as we make our way back home, delicate threads now intricitally woven together into a garment of strength, beauty, and quality of character. Once stripped naked and exposed, we now find ourselves clothed in a new garment of our own original design.
We then offer our experiences to others through living our passions, our purpose creating fertile ground for connection,  inspiration and ultimately healing.

And then, She leaped off into the Great Unknown


Throughout the day i felt as if i were on the edge of a cliff.  I have endured 5 painfully intense years of deep inner healing, shadow work as Jung would call it.  A stripping away of years worth of conditioning where I lost myself in the end. I often refer to the past 5 years (really began 10 years ago with a dream) as a coming home, returning to that place of passion and childlike wonder. 

The final year was a bitch.

 I was required to go deeper into shadow land than ever before, to that place of the most painful core wounds. I recall days where all I could do was lie in bed curled up in a ball and cry for hours. I didn’t even understand why I was crying most of the time. I later came to realize that this was a process of purging or releasing and it was vital, and deeply healing.

I began, in a desperate attempt for relief to forgive every single person I could think of who ever hurt me. I mean, honestly forgive and release them from any obligation to prove that they were sorry or repentant. 

And suddenly, the heaviness began to lift. Day by day I felt more and more peace and deeper love and tenderness, kindness and compassion for myself and others.

I would walk around town and interract with people, seeing right through their masks to who they really were, feeling their struggles, joys and sorriws. Sometimes this was a beautiful experience, other times a bit disturbing to say the least, but I have learned through this dark night how to shield myself as an empath from negative energy while still remaining present with others.

And then 7/17

I had been seeing the number 717 and 707 everywhere for weeks, if not months. I looked back in my journal and noticed i’d jotted down the date 7/17 back in April as a pivotal time on this journey. 

The cliff

Here i stood the morning of 7/17/16 I had this inner knowing that this particular season had come to an end at last, the deep purging had ceased and it was time to take a leap into the great unknown. 

Over the course of 10 years I had srudied and trained in the areas of holistic health, herbalism, nutrition, psychology and had gone deep spiritually through my dark night,  doing the necessary soul work. And now I was being asked to leap and accept my calling, my purpose.

The problem was I only had puzzle pieces and no real well laid out plan. And suddenly i was reminded of that dream I’d had, that life altering dream years back, where I was walking all alone down that moonlit path only able to see a few steps in front of me. Here I was being asked to respond to the call by taking the leap, trusting that I would land safely down upon a brand new path and that all would be revealed rather quickly upon landing. I had the choice to turn back, but in turning back I would remain stuck, walking back into the past and dealing with the same old issues, those all to familiar demons. Round and round and round. 

It took me most of the day and much wrestling with my ego, my fears, the possibility of rejection,  and further abandonment…Closer and closer to the edge I inched. In answering this call I had no idea what I would be facing and I knew once I took this leap there would be no turning back, life as I knew it would never be the same. There was a certain somberness, a holiness out here on the edge.

I called a mentor of mine who had srood by me through this process for three years. “Just do it, jump” I spoke to friends, loved ones, family, searching for guidance and direction. But i quickly realized no one was going to hold my hand through this, this was to be a very personal, solo act of faith that I alone had to make this decision.

I journaled, prayed, asked for just a little hint of what was awaiting me at the bottom….silence. All I heard was jump or remain stagnant, miserable and discouraged.

Suddenly I was right on the edge and I began crying and bargaining with the powers that be.


I started trembling,  and crying from the deepest place inside of me, and finally I said… 

Ok, I accept this call on my life, today I choose to jump. I choose to accept the uncertainty, the unknown and me deepest fears and trust that in taking this leap I will be protected, provided for and safe.

I jumped, compmetely alone….

I was then filled with the deepest peace I had ever known and the greatest sense of relief. There was no loud crash, no choir of angels singing the halelujah chorus, there was no more fear, but a profound sense of freedom, excitement, passion and love.

Passion, often feels like anger misplaced, anticipation like crippling fear…

 Yet a slight adjustment in our thinking and we find ourselves experiencing renewed passion and anticipation of greater things to come.

More to come as I chronicle this epic adventure. Already, day 3 post leap and I feel like a different person. Amazing new insight has been given daily, keys that are unlocking doors to my purpose. There is no going back. I journey on.

Wild Mustang and Horse Whisperer-Merging of the Masculine and Feminine.

I had a very vivid dream the other night that I’d like to share, it involved a wild mustang and a horse whisperer.

I was out in a large field where I came across a black and white wild mustang.  She was running free through the fields. I felt compelled to follow her. She lead me to a large, warm barn. As I entered she had run into the loving arms of a horse whisperer. I stood there and watched this exchange for quite some time.

This horse whisperer had a certain confidence in how he interacted with the mustang. He was strong, secure, grounded and knew exactly how to calm her. He exhibited a deep inner strength.

Suddenly a overwhelming sense of love and safety became the focus. I watched as he gently touched her face, her body caressing her tenderly. Looking into her eyes,  with a warm smile and softly spoken words.

What stood out most was the emotional connection shared between the two of them. His masculine energy was harnessed and balanced with his free flowing feminine qualities, he confidently expressed. both aspects. The warrior side of him was utilized and channeled into strength and confidence, yet he calmed her, not through force but gentleness, connection and love.

He became a safe place for her. She trusted in his masculinity and strength, his patience, understanding and solidity. She was instantly tamed. She was tamed because she trusted him. Was she still a wild beast? Yes! It wasn’t her nature that changed it was her perception and understanding.  He embraced her wildness, even respected it and honored it, he didn’t force her into submission, he didn’t instill fear in her through force to obtain the desired result. A fearful animal will eventually submit, yet a fearful animal is unpredictable, unstable and will react at the first sign of perceived danger. Mutual submission and honor through love and connection, patience and consistency creates an atmosphere of safety and security. She rests in this place.
I think we can learn much through the symbiotic relationship between horse and horse whisperer.

 The true feminine is wild and free by nature, ever changing like a flowing river, wild with her emotions, intuitive and expressive.

The masculine by nature is steady, earthy, grounded and in control of his masculine energy. He simply has learned to harness it and redirect it in a way that brings solidity and strength.

What I saw in this dream was a merging, a blending of both masculine and feminine energies within , then a manifestation of balance in outward form. A merging of spirit and mind, body and soul.

Both were well aware of each other’s strengths an equal exchange; through this process a relationship was formed, a deep connection full of passion, love, consistency, confidence, trust, communication (even without words) and eventually safety and security.


The Connection Within-via Pinterest


Women, we must learn to feel safe in the presence of the masculine warrior, we must embrace and fully accept our feminine wildness. This means all of our emotions, fears insecurities and freedom. While he may appear to threatening, he invokes strength and confidence and steadfastness in us.
Men, in turn must learn to harness their intense masculine energy and properly channel it into inner strength and confidence. Men must come to embrace and accept their warrior nature, their fear of being overtaken by the wild feminine, and trust that while she might appear threatening, she invokes passion and tenderness within .
In the Native American tradition, a warrior and his horse were inseparable; in battle they fought together as one. Each in tune with the other’s spirit, they shared the Heart of a Warrior.

Wild Mustang and Horse Whisperer Part 2


In the Surrender


“When the mind is festering with trouble or the heart torn, we can find healing among the silence of mountains or fields, or listen to the simple, steadying rhythm of waves. The slowness and the stillness gradually take us over. Our breathing deepens and our hearts calm and our hungers relent. When serenity is restored, new perspectives open to us and difficulty can begin to seem like an invitation to new growth. This is also the experience of prayer. The tired machinations of the ego are abandoned. It no longer needs to push or prove itself in the combat of competition. Beneath the frenetic streams of thought, the quieter, elemental nature of the self takes over and calms our presence. ”

John O’Donohue – Excerpt from BEAUTY

Such beautifully profound words from one of my favorite Irish Mystics. Ego abandoned, in other words surrender, letting go. To feel the ache of despair may seem overwhelming, yet there is a peace that comes with surrender; while ripped open in that gut wrenching place of despair we find peace. We realize there is a higher purpose here that can only be birthed in the surrender. I think in this place, solitude and communion with nature become two of our greatest healers. We will lose many we believed were friends, and our previous perceptions are shed, Yet,  eventually we come home to our true selves and in this secret, quiet place we find rest.

The Four Directions-the great compass

December 1st marked yet another pivotal moment on this journey, my journey home.I was given a very vivid, beautiful dream at 3am, when I awoke I experienced an immediate paradigm shift, one I’d been praying for for a very long time. The dream involved two horses, a choice, and warm, cozy barn and a Native American horse whisperer. When it feels right, I’ll share the dream in its entirety, but for now I rest in the beauty of what lies ahead.
I’ve tried to explain this inner process that has taken place over the past 3-4 years to others, yet finally realized this has been my journey and mine alone. That’s the purpose of this journey into the dark night. It’s a stripping away of all previous beliefs, mind sets and false security. 
Others may look at our lives through this cleansing process and see only what they have the ability to see based on their own limited understanding. I can’t judge anyone for that. We are assessed according to a standard that is based on perceived success according to cultural standards. My journey has been about finding my way back home to my true self, free of limiting beliefs. The inner work that has taken place within cannot be measured according to any standard, it’s unique to me alone. The wisdom and insight gained along the way priceless. The more I tried to resist this process the more exhausting it became. And then, when I did in fact reach that point of exhaustion I no longer had the strength to hold on, I let go. And then the magic transpired.
For those who are walking this path now, this journey into the dark night, I commend you, it is not for the faint of heart, and if I’d known the pain involved I might never have chosen this path. Yet I am home at last, and although weary and recovering I have a peace inside like I’ve never known before. I am complete, I am whole. 

And now, the next leg begins. A new start, a new journey. With compass in hand, I eagerly await the adventures that lie ahead.