Self Love [nurture]

One of two things happens to us when we do not love and accept ourselves for exactly who we are, as opposed to only being self accepting based on what we do or don’t do.

We attract others who do not have the ability to love us either. Sure, they may find us physically attractive, or they may temporarily boost our self esteem with their kind gestures, flattering words of ourward desire for us (lust.) But we will always feel like something is missing, and indeed something IS missing.

I think most of us can agree that we desire to deeply connect with another, feel safe with another and share a mutual exchange of energy with another, the ability for both to freely give as well as receive love. But what happens when we do not learn to love and accept ourselves? Love in the context of intimate relationship becomes conditional and we place our value and worth in the hands of another in order to meet some deficit we feel within ourselves. This is a recipe for heartache, because, you see no other soul is capable of such a heavy burdon, we simply MUST learn to love and nurture ourselves first and foremost and tap into our own inner being, source within.

For many of us who never received healthy love and consistant nurturing growing up, we developed unhealthy coping mechanisms for survival. We either numbed out, filled the deficits with external pleasures and/or we developed toxic patterns of protection.

Now as adults we must change those patterns in order to connect with others with the depth we desire and build healthy, balanced relationships from there. One of equal exchange.

We MUST learn how to nurture ourselves in healthy ways. Some very helpful techniques are: Learning to feel our emotions fully and send love to those wounded parts of ourselves, or hold space for that hurting inner child. Seeking out an experienced energy healer to assist in clearing energetic blockages that keep us in a place of stagnancy, begin a meditation practice where we can temporarily silence those inner voices while tapping into our own, powerful inner being who ALWAYS knows the way and most certainly knows that which is in alignment with our highest good and passion-filled purpose.

While I do not subscribe to the belief that until we learn to love ourselves, we cannot share love with another, by learning to love and nurture ourselves first and foremost our relationships have a greater long term survival rate in my opinion, and are most certainly a lot more peaceful and calm than bringing another full on into our toxic, unhealed patterns.

Here’s to doing the work guys! Healing is far from easy, but oh so worth it.

My Healing Journey 8/20-26

Well, it’s been quite a week! It was a rough week for sure. I don’t share this much, but I am an empath, and an energy healer. What this means is I am a highly sensitive person who picks up on the energy of others not only individually but collectively. I tend to feel energy shifts a few days before the collective (usually 24 hours). This doesn’t make me better than anyone, it’s just the way itnis and I accept it.

With that said, this week’s energy was off the chain! I had an extremely challenging time grounding myself and remaining calm and steady. But I think I did pretty well ;).

I also had my first binge day. I ate a spicy chicken sandwich from chick fi la, a small frosty from Wendy’s and a chocolate chip cookie. Could have been worse I suppose, ha! But most importantly I got right back on program the next day and after feeling hungover for a day I’m feeling much better.

Physical- I’ve recovered from dental surgery, but dealing with a nasty cold, meh…no big deal. School started up last week so I am trying to readjust to a new schedule which involves waking up at 5:45, and a 30 minute commute each way.

I will now begin training again for my next 5k! Well, next 2 actually 🙂

I gained a pound this week, ah well. I was pretty sloppy and consumed WAY too much dairy, dairy is not really my friend.

Emotionally-

Like I shared above it’s been a bit of a tumultuous week emotionally. But emotions don’t really scare me, ha! I feel as if I am able to really remain in control of these intense emotions and they no longer have control over me. That’s a pretty big deal! Ya know, what’s mine? What’s yours? What’s being revealed collectively? It’s A-Ok!

Spiritually-

I am becoming my true self more and more each and every day. I am not afraid to speak my truth, because I no longer feel a need to be love and accepted by anyone outside of myself.

I no longer fear rejection or need others approval. Game changer! I’ll do me, your validation is no longer required. Love me or hate me I’m going on towards fufilling my purpose.

I rewarded myself this week with this funky little flamingo dress…because, well flamingos are awesome!

Have a great week everyone!!!

I’m fine thank you..

Those of us who consider ourselves highly sensitive and empathic have learned over the years to simply answer the dreaded “How are you” question with “I am fine, thanks” and a smile. It’s just easier that way. As infj’s we tend to protect ourselves from others and few are granted access into our emotionally complex inner worlds. It’s as if we have been conditioned over the years to associate our complex emotional states with shame and in sharing with most people the shame of feeling as if we are ‘too intense’ for most people.

So, what do we do? We pour ourselves into the lives of others and give, yet often when it comes to our own suffering, we suffer alone,  in silence, it’s just simpler that way. 

I can count on one hand the number of people that I can be completely vulnerable with….ok, maybe 2 or 3 fingers.  

I have learned over the years how to self soothe and care for my own complex emotional needs. You see most of us who feel deeply are not looking for anyone to rescue 

us, give us answers or pity us, we simply desire connection and understanding on at least some level, both which are extremely rare.

I have no solution for this dilema i’m afraid, but i suppose this post might help a few who share the same struggle in not feeling like such an enigma.

And then, She leaped off into the Great Unknown

7/1716

Throughout the day i felt as if i were on the edge of a cliff.  I have endured 5 painfully intense years of deep inner healing, shadow work as Jung would call it.  A stripping away of years worth of conditioning where I lost myself in the end. I often refer to the past 5 years (really began 10 years ago with a dream) as a coming home, returning to that place of passion and childlike wonder. 

The final year was a bitch.

 I was required to go deeper into shadow land than ever before, to that place of the most painful core wounds. I recall days where all I could do was lie in bed curled up in a ball and cry for hours. I didn’t even understand why I was crying most of the time. I later came to realize that this was a process of purging or releasing and it was vital, and deeply healing.

I began, in a desperate attempt for relief to forgive every single person I could think of who ever hurt me. I mean, honestly forgive and release them from any obligation to prove that they were sorry or repentant. 

And suddenly, the heaviness began to lift. Day by day I felt more and more peace and deeper love and tenderness, kindness and compassion for myself and others.

I would walk around town and interract with people, seeing right through their masks to who they really were, feeling their struggles, joys and sorriws. Sometimes this was a beautiful experience, other times a bit disturbing to say the least, but I have learned through this dark night how to shield myself as an empath from negative energy while still remaining present with others.

And then 7/17

I had been seeing the number 717 and 707 everywhere for weeks, if not months. I looked back in my journal and noticed i’d jotted down the date 7/17 back in April as a pivotal time on this journey. 

The cliff

Here i stood the morning of 7/17/16 I had this inner knowing that this particular season had come to an end at last, the deep purging had ceased and it was time to take a leap into the great unknown. 

Over the course of 10 years I had srudied and trained in the areas of holistic health, herbalism, nutrition, psychology and had gone deep spiritually through my dark night,  doing the necessary soul work. And now I was being asked to leap and accept my calling, my purpose.

The problem was I only had puzzle pieces and no real well laid out plan. And suddenly i was reminded of that dream I’d had, that life altering dream years back, where I was walking all alone down that moonlit path only able to see a few steps in front of me. Here I was being asked to respond to the call by taking the leap, trusting that I would land safely down upon a brand new path and that all would be revealed rather quickly upon landing. I had the choice to turn back, but in turning back I would remain stuck, walking back into the past and dealing with the same old issues, those all to familiar demons. Round and round and round. 

It took me most of the day and much wrestling with my ego, my fears, the possibility of rejection,  and further abandonment…Closer and closer to the edge I inched. In answering this call I had no idea what I would be facing and I knew once I took this leap there would be no turning back, life as I knew it would never be the same. There was a certain somberness, a holiness out here on the edge.

I called a mentor of mine who had srood by me through this process for three years. “Just do it, jump” I spoke to friends, loved ones, family, searching for guidance and direction. But i quickly realized no one was going to hold my hand through this, this was to be a very personal, solo act of faith that I alone had to make this decision.

I journaled, prayed, asked for just a little hint of what was awaiting me at the bottom….silence. All I heard was jump or remain stagnant, miserable and discouraged.

Suddenly I was right on the edge and I began crying and bargaining with the powers that be.

Nope

I started trembling,  and crying from the deepest place inside of me, and finally I said… 

Ok, I accept this call on my life, today I choose to jump. I choose to accept the uncertainty, the unknown and me deepest fears and trust that in taking this leap I will be protected, provided for and safe.

I jumped, compmetely alone….

I was then filled with the deepest peace I had ever known and the greatest sense of relief. There was no loud crash, no choir of angels singing the halelujah chorus, there was no more fear, but a profound sense of freedom, excitement, passion and love.

Passion, often feels like anger misplaced, anticipation like crippling fear…

 Yet a slight adjustment in our thinking and we find ourselves experiencing renewed passion and anticipation of greater things to come.

More to come as I chronicle this epic adventure. Already, day 3 post leap and I feel like a different person. Amazing new insight has been given daily, keys that are unlocking doors to my purpose. There is no going back. I journey on.

A few thoughts on Healing

We can’t fix or heal others. People can only heal themselves by facing their shadows and actually doing the work. I’ve had to learn this the hard way over the years. Hurt people, hurt people. Whether intentional or not. I will lovingly walk with others through their healing process as long as they are making an effort, but I will no longer try to rescue anyone, it never ends well. Even the greatest love can’t save someone who isn’t willing to do the dirty work and save themself.

A Paradigm shift? The New Male Warrior

I had a dream many years ago that was so profound that it haunted me for quite a while until I finally understood the meaning.

I joined a certain mystery man who was nameless , faceless on a men’s empowerment cruise. I don’t know how I was allowed on the ship as I was the only woman present. There were various  world leaders offering instruction and guidance to the male passengers through workshops and seminars. These leaders were defined by societies standards as successful. They wore expensive suits, and appeared physically flawless.

About halfway into the voyage while far out at sea I felt a shift in the atmosphere. There was an announcement over the ships PA system for all men to report to the deck for their supplement. As I stood in line with my companion I felt a sense of panic and dread. Yet I remained silent and observed. As we approached the front of the line I realized these men were being given hallucinogenics. My companion and I made our way back to our cabin where I tried to tell him what I had seen. He looked at me as if he was confused by what I was saying, but defended the actions of the leaders. I went into the bathroom feeling frustrated and powerless. I sunk into the bath tub and cried.

Suddenly there was a another announcement over the ships PA system. The ship had  veered of course and the captain would be docking at a nearby island temporarily to avoid an approaching storm. As we disembarked all men were required to pass through a small building for ‘inspection.’ They all complied. By now they had become like zombies from the drugs theyd been given and simply followed orders without questionong a thing. Panicked, I left my male companion and snuck around the side of the building. To my complete horror inside the building each of the men entering were being castrated. I desperately, but quietly tried to warn them but it was as if they couldn’t hear me. My companion was nowhere to be found. I fled into the jungle searching for him. Finally I sat under a tree and began crying. I heard movement nearby and suddenly locked eyes with him. He appeared frightened yet defensive as he wasn’t sure exactly who his enemy was anymore. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at me. I begged him to wake up and snap out of it. He seemed torn and confused.

I hopped on a four wheeler and begged him to come with me. He then looked deep into my eyes, dropped his gun and hopped on the vehicle with me. We drove to the edge of the island, then up into the sky. A portal opened up and we were taken into another demension to warn others of what we’d wittnessed. It suddenly became our new, joined mission.

 

This dream does sound crazy and far fetched. Yet I believe the masculine has been subject to years of this type of conditioning on a very subtle level. They’ve been thrust into a system that defines success based on material possesions, and superficial rewards. Many men have lost touch with their feminine qualities such as intuition they’ve lost touch with their emotions and have become slaves to an ego based system of false achievement and empty rewards.

In the end, this illusion of ‘masculinity’ this artificial idea of what a real, successful man is supposed to be,  led them to castration, a true stripping away of their masculine power and a homogenization that became the new norm.

Yet, I believe this is changing. So many men are waking up and ‘jumping ship’ so to speak. They are recognizing the need for balance within and are choosing to seek out and pursue their true purpose and passion at all costs.

Now that is the heart of a true warrior!

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The Hidden power of Grief

The number one block that prevents us from healing our deepest wounds is not allowing ourselves to fully feel pain and grief.

Instead, we chooses the easier emotions like anger or we suppress our emotions altogether by keeping busy or turning to cheap fixes.

I realize now that I have suppressed my grief and sadness for most of my life. 

This began shortly after I lost my mother to cancer when I was 12. It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I began allowing myself to fully grieve.

The thing about grief is that it is not a linear process,  and you can’t put a timeline on.it, you just have to walk it out however long it takes.

This healing journey is not for the faint of heart by any means. At times it feels as if there are so many layers that the grief will never end, but one thing I’m recognizing is that after another layer is dealt with and healed there comes a deeper level of freedom and joy. I suppose that’s  what fuels me to continue in a deep desire for freedom and joy.

To those who wittness this process from the outside it appears that just the opposite is taking place, as if the person doing the tough healing work is stuck and choosing to live in the past, that’s because we have been so conditioned to conceal our wounds and wear masks as a form of survival, stuff those uncomfortable feelings and hide our wounds from others.

We all need a safe place to heal, free of judgement, free of well meaning advice and free of criticism.

After experiencing this deep level grief, I want to be that safe place for others.

We can’t fix others or expect others to fix us, but we can offer others a safe haven to be their authentic, true vulnerable selves scars and all.