Throughout the day i felt as if i were on the edge of a cliff. I have endured 5 painfully intense years of deep inner healing, shadow work as Jung would call it. A stripping away of years worth of conditioning where I lost myself in the end. I often refer to the past 5 years (really began 10 years ago with a dream) as a coming home, returning to that place of passion and childlike wonder.
The final year was a bitch.
I was required to go deeper into shadow land than ever before, to that place of the most painful core wounds. I recall days where all I could do was lie in bed curled up in a ball and cry for hours. I didn’t even understand why I was crying most of the time. I later came to realize that this was a process of purging or releasing and it was vital, and deeply healing.
I began, in a desperate attempt for relief to forgive every single person I could think of who ever hurt me. I mean, honestly forgive and release them from any obligation to prove that they were sorry or repentant.
And suddenly, the heaviness began to lift. Day by day I felt more and more peace and deeper love and tenderness, kindness and compassion for myself and others.
I would walk around town and interract with people, seeing right through their masks to who they really were, feeling their struggles, joys and sorriws. Sometimes this was a beautiful experience, other times a bit disturbing to say the least, but I have learned through this dark night how to shield myself as an empath from negative energy while still remaining present with others.
And then 7/17
I had been seeing the number 717 and 707 everywhere for weeks, if not months. I looked back in my journal and noticed i’d jotted down the date 7/17 back in April as a pivotal time on this journey.
Here i stood the morning of 7/17/16 I had this inner knowing that this particular season had come to an end at last, the deep purging had ceased and it was time to take a leap into the great unknown.
Over the course of 10 years I had srudied and trained in the areas of holistic health, herbalism, nutrition, psychology and had gone deep spiritually through my dark night, doing the necessary soul work. And now I was being asked to leap and accept my calling, my purpose.
The problem was I only had puzzle pieces and no real well laid out plan. And suddenly i was reminded of that dream I’d had, that life altering dream years back, where I was walking all alone down that moonlit path only able to see a few steps in front of me. Here I was being asked to respond to the call by taking the leap, trusting that I would land safely down upon a brand new path and that all would be revealed rather quickly upon landing. I had the choice to turn back, but in turning back I would remain stuck, walking back into the past and dealing with the same old issues, those all to familiar demons. Round and round and round.
It took me most of the day and much wrestling with my ego, my fears, the possibility of rejection, and further abandonment…Closer and closer to the edge I inched. In answering this call I had no idea what I would be facing and I knew once I took this leap there would be no turning back, life as I knew it would never be the same. There was a certain somberness, a holiness out here on the edge.
I called a mentor of mine who had srood by me through this process for three years. “Just do it, jump” I spoke to friends, loved ones, family, searching for guidance and direction. But i quickly realized no one was going to hold my hand through this, this was to be a very personal, solo act of faith that I alone had to make this decision.
I journaled, prayed, asked for just a little hint of what was awaiting me at the bottom….silence. All I heard was jump or remain stagnant, miserable and discouraged.
Suddenly I was right on the edge and I began crying and bargaining with the powers that be.
I started trembling, and crying from the deepest place inside of me, and finally I said…
Ok, I accept this call on my life, today I choose to jump. I choose to accept the uncertainty, the unknown and me deepest fears and trust that in taking this leap I will be protected, provided for and safe.
I jumped, compmetely alone….
I was then filled with the deepest peace I had ever known and the greatest sense of relief. There was no loud crash, no choir of angels singing the halelujah chorus, there was no more fear, but a profound sense of freedom, excitement, passion and love.
Passion, often feels like anger misplaced, anticipation like crippling fear…
Yet a slight adjustment in our thinking and we find ourselves experiencing renewed passion and anticipation of greater things to come.
More to come as I chronicle this epic adventure. Already, day 3 post leap and I feel like a different person. Amazing new insight has been given daily, keys that are unlocking doors to my purpose. There is no going back. I journey on.