There is a part of me who holds very traditional values. Sometimes my sense of morality feels a bit judgmental although more judgement against myself than others. It’s like I hold myself to this crazy, unrealistic standard and when I don’t uphold that standard I judge myself harshly and go into my cave of self loathing.
Then there’s this other part of me who dares to venture outside the cave into the deep unknown, wanting to test my limits and just free fall down, down, down. There’s this alluring, often times morbid curiosity that constantly beckons “To boldly go where no (wo)man has gone before” and in order to ‘boldly go’ I must break free from tradition.
Here’s a pretty accurate illustration
I think the challenge for me has been integrating these two extremes in a way that is healthy and balanced. But the greatest challenge it seems, has been the inability to connect with others who truly understand me. The more traditional crowd feels limiting to me, as if I can’t be completely myself without glossy eyed stares and blank expressions, yet the fellow ‘adventure seekers’ are often a bit too out there for me, losing touch with the reality of the here and now and have this kind of ‘anything goes’ mentality that just doesn’t feel solidly grounded to me.
So, I stick to this lone wolf lifestyle where I can be completely myself, free of judgement or expectation. It’s just simpler this way.