I’ve started this post and deleted it too many times to even keep track of over the past 48 hours. I can share many intimate details of my life through writing (not so much in person) but whenever I write about spiritual topics I have to push through a shit ton of fear. I want to be careful in how I express myself in this post because I don’t claim to be anyone special or in the know by any means, and I don’t want to sink back into old patterns of searching for validation in what I believe/experience spiritually.
My spirituality is very difficult to define. I was raised Jewish and always believed in God, became a Christian at 18 and went through a process after my divorce of re-defining what I truly believe. Honestly, I can’t even define my beliefs to this day.
I still struggle with being judged by my Christian friends, or labeled a back-slider or hieratic. But quite honestly, I’ve lived by others expectations my entire life and I just can’t do it anymore. If I must walk this life journey completely alone, I am willing, I must remain true to myself.
From the time I was a little girl, after being very ill with pneumonia and having a very vivid, life changing vision, I was given a choice to leave this world or remain and fulfill a purpose. I looked outside my bedroom window at a large oak tree that was being removed from our yard, it had just been cut down and I stood there and watched as the neighborhood children were playing on it. The large roots were partially exposed, I stood there crying for this old oak tree, it’s deep roots and strong branches meant nothing now, it was now lifeless and broken, defeated.
I returned back to my bed and was shown a black circle in my minds eye. The circle was moving closer and closer to a vertical line. I knew that when it touched the line, I’d be gone from this world. I made my choice. A white circle appeared and merged with the black circle, and I came to.
From that moment on, my life changed. It was as if everything around me came to life. I could see beyond the surface. I looked at everyone and everything in a completely different light. I could look into people’s eyes and it was as if I could see their hearts and souls. As a little girl I couldn’t articulate properly what I saw, so I began labeling others as either dark or light. I could feel other people’s emotions and became confused when they’d say one thing, when what I was picking up seemed to contradict what they were saying. I tried to share these experiences with my parents but was not taken seriously and often times laughed at and mocked.
So, I kept quiet and wrote. I wrote songs, stories and engaged in make believe play to express myself. After losing my adopted mother to cancer at 12 I shut all of my emotions down. The grief was just too much to bare. A few years ago my emotions were ignited again. At first it was as if years of suppressed emotions came flooding to the surface and I felt way off balance. I had a difficult time regulating my emotions.
I have since come to a place of balance through solitude, meditation and energy healing. I’ve learned to distinguish my emotions from others and am able to detach when I know they are coming from outside of myself. When I feel others emotions, they always manifest in my physical body and will come on suddenly when I am not even thinking about a specific person. I used to try to analyze these emotions and/or allow them to take over creating confusion, mood swings and exhaustion. That doesn’t happen any longer.
Thursday morning, I woke up ready to start my day. I was in a great mood, productive and at peace. Around mid afternoon as I was playing with my son in his bedroom, I smelled the scent of someone dear to me. That has never happened to me before. Suddenly my body felt as if it was in overdrive. My heart started beating rapidly, I became short of breath and my body felt anxious. Yet my mind felt completely balanced and at ease. I was then flooded with emotional chaos in my physical body. I felt panic, confusion, terror and grief, yet still my mind was calm, my thoughts not affected. I tried meditating but it felt as if all frequencies were blocked, like static. I knew that something major was about to take place, yet felt helpless. I don’t believe I need to elaborate.
My biggest struggle has been trusting my intuition, especially when there is no physical evidence to back up what I’m sensing, what I know. I also struggle with sharing what I know out of fear that I may cause harm somehow. I can’t live in that fear any longer. I must be true to myself. I must live my purpose, or I may as well have just let go as a child and parted from this chaotic world.
I guess I write this post to reach out to and encourage other empaths. It can be a very lonely journey. And we often feel so misunderstood. I often find myself saying out loud angrily “I didn’t sign up for this, take it away” but the reality is yes, I did. And day by day I am becoming closer to my true self, and somehow strengthened through it all.
Prayers, love and light tonight to all