I’ve always been a bit of an idealist, on a mission to create for my family, my children those things I’d always dreamed of as a child, but never fully experienced.
In many ways I am very traditional in my beliefs, yet I also regularly break tradition and forge my own path. A great paradox.
The holidays have always been very special to me as an adult. I love creating memories and celebrating in a more traditional sense;think Normal Rockwell.
In a perfect world, now that I have another little one to raise, I think the majority of my time would be spent at home, with a good chunk of time used for pursuing my passions. Maybe 70/30 on a percentage scale. I so enjoy creating beauty in my surroundings and sharing that with those I love the most, my family.
I do have to credit my ex husband for providing me with a comfortable home and four awesome children. I believe he came into my life at just the right time, a time where I was lacking stability. He was always Mr. steady. I never had to worry that he was out fooling around with other women, or drinking in bars. He was a very safe, secure presence in my life and it was so needed at the time. He allowed me freedom to pursue my many interests and passions without smothering me or holding me back. There was mutual trust between us.
However we lacked emotional and spiritual connection and passion. He is a man of integrity and is a man of strong morals and values. Through our divorce, after 23 years total we went our separate ways and it was fairly smooth. We have remained friends and we still maintain a sense of family. It’s much easier to accept each other’s flaws and shortcomings from a non romantic place. He will always be family, and I will always be grateful for his presence in my life.
I now find myself in a strange place in life. I feel very complete within myself. I have many interests and hobbies, I don’t really have financial fears, as I truly believe there is always a way to make money. My children bring me so much joy and emotional fulfillment. However, I must admit that I’ve always desired a best friend, an equal partner and lover. Someone to connect with at the end of a long exhausting day, someone who I know has my back and I his. Mutual give and take. But the thing is, when you truly feel complete and no lack in your life your standards are raised and you will never settle.
I was speaking with a dear friend last night on the phone, who has become like a brother to me and I realized I have so many of these deep meaningful connections already, it’s just that ‘skin time’ as I like to call it that I miss, oh and kissing 😉 (my favorite).
Early on in my marriage we were out to dinner one night at a quaint little restaurant in upstate NY along the Hudson River. There was a family sitting across from us, I sat and observed them for quite some time. As my husband and I sat eating in complete silence, void of emotional connection, I watched as the couple laughed together, looking into one another’s eyes, touches here and there and just such warmth and love. They had their daughter Zoe with them (yes to this day, I still remember her name) she was a part of their conversation and connection. They all just so effortlessly flowed. That was the first realization I had on what was missing from my marriage. Connection. Over the years I found it in my children, my shared interests with friends and family and within myself on some level. But there was always a secret longing for that kind of love and connection with a lover, my significant other. I learned to shut it off and simply exist. I don’t believe such a connection can be created, it’s simply there or it isn’t. And yes, I believe there is one…one who sings a song a heart song, a love that penetrates all walls, and resonates deep within heart and soul.
I connect with so many people I encounter in my life, but on an intimate level, it is a lack. A love and warmth reserved only for him. There may still be a bit of longing, but I realize now it is something few truly experience, something rare. So I build it within and nurture myself.