It wasn’t until about two years ago that I realized I was actually living out this dream. I was making my way up a winding path, alone, afraid and seemingly lost. Through this process I held on to every bit of ‘light’ possible. I had to fight to find beauty and meaning through this time of darkness.
I started writing again, trying to make some kind of sense of it all. My writing, although triggered by various experiences and people was an expression of something much deeper in me. Each person I experienced, most often the ones who hurt me the most became mirrors, shedding light on my own insecurities and shadows.
Over the course of five years I experienced loss after loss. The losses represented everything I’d ever held on to in finding that sense of security, the feeling of home.
I lost religion, Finances, friendships, family members and what I believed was true love. Each systematically stripped away until I found myself completely naked, vulnerable and alone. Each day, it seemed I faced fears and insecurities that had plagued me my entire life.
There were times I didn’t think I’d make it. Yet along this path I also experienced people who entered my life when I had nothing to give and gave me the most precious gifts, the gifts of love, compassion and encouragement. People who believed in me and saw things within me that I wasn’t able to see at the time.
During this season of ‘The Dark Night’ relationships were restored that had been damaged for many, many years. Relationships that prevented my deep wounds from fully healing and kept me locked into unhealthy emotional beliefs and destructive patterns. I slowly began seeing from the perspective of those who had hurt me the most, and suddenly realized that we’ve all been hurt, we’ve all been wounded and that we are all in a sense like lost, hurting children searching for home. Some of us keep ourselves safe by hiding under the blankets at night, others throw tantrums and hurt those they love while kicking and screaming, and others set out on a great adventure home to satisfy the longing. We don’t judge children for the fears they experience, and although tantrums aren’t pretty, we don’t stop loving these little ones when they throw temper tantrums and speak harmful words in the process.
This dark night, this terrifying place of uncertainty and isolation is a right of passage, the heroes journey where we eventually find ourselves, heal ourselves and arrive safely home. Once the journey has begun there is no turning back, we must continue on.
Artwork by my lovely daughter Lily at 13