It is Who We ARE that defines us

It occured to me somewhere around 2012 that I was not defined by what I did or did not do, but about who I was, or who I chose to become as a person, or even un-become if that feels more true 😉

Being the sci-fi geek that I am, I compare my awakening process to escaping the Matrix. Yes, I chose the red pill, clearly and there was no turning back.

I was given hints of this process that was about to launch me way off into the deep, dark unknown, years before it fully began through a series of dreams foretelling of the grand adventures to come.

Around 2012 I began feeling like I was living my life on a movie set. People going about their daily lives, playing their respective roles in the ‘Matrix’ like pre-programmed droids.

It was as if the amnsesia began lifting and I was given bits and pieces of who I really was. The more I came in contact with those truer aspects of myself, the more repulsed I became with those roles I wittnessed in both myself and others while still deep in the Matrix.

So, I guess you can say the past seven years has been the most challenging years (thus far) of my personal journey, the journey back home to self.

As of late I have discovered the importance of being in touch, connected to and in synch with source (aka, my inner being). I have recognized how I have spent a good portion of my life relying on outer circumstances to bring me peace, joy, contentment, etc. A life of constant searching and striving for those missing pieces, those fragments that I believed once found and re-assembled would magically bring me to my greatest purpose and at last that sense of fufillment I had spent my entire life searching for.

Well, damn if I didn’t have it backwards all along. Faced with one disappointment and perceived failure after another it occured to me at long last that the more I came into alignment with my inner being, who I ‘really am’, the more those circumstances outside of my control began to shift.

It is not what we do, but who we are that defines us. -Me

This ‘great revelation’ took so much pressure off of me! Learning to let go of the proverbial oars and allow source to carry me to where I need to be is becoming my new normal.

My inner being, or higher self knows each and every desire down to the last detail, my only job is to release the resistance I have built against those desires. Who knew I had built so much? I thought I had my shit together pretty well.

So tis a new season for this lass. One of curiousity, adventure and the wittness of a beautiful, (albeit a bit scary at times) unfolding.

Self Love [nurture]

One of two things happens to us when we do not love and accept ourselves for exactly who we are, as opposed to only being self accepting based on what we do or don’t do.

We attract others who do not have the ability to love us either. Sure, they may find us physically attractive, or they may temporarily boost our self esteem with their kind gestures, flattering words of ourward desire for us (lust.) But we will always feel like something is missing, and indeed something IS missing.

I think most of us can agree that we desire to deeply connect with another, feel safe with another and share a mutual exchange of energy with another, the ability for both to freely give as well as receive love. But what happens when we do not learn to love and accept ourselves? Love in the context of intimate relationship becomes conditional and we place our value and worth in the hands of another in order to meet some deficit we feel within ourselves. This is a recipe for heartache, because, you see no other soul is capable of such a heavy burdon, we simply MUST learn to love and nurture ourselves first and foremost and tap into our own inner being, source within.

For many of us who never received healthy love and consistant nurturing growing up, we developed unhealthy coping mechanisms for survival. We either numbed out, filled the deficits with external pleasures and/or we developed toxic patterns of protection.

Now as adults we must change those patterns in order to connect with others with the depth we desire and build healthy, balanced relationships from there. One of equal exchange.

We MUST learn how to nurture ourselves in healthy ways. Some very helpful techniques are: Learning to feel our emotions fully and send love to those wounded parts of ourselves, or hold space for that hurting inner child. Seeking out an experienced energy healer to assist in clearing energetic blockages that keep us in a place of stagnancy, begin a meditation practice where we can temporarily silence those inner voices while tapping into our own, powerful inner being who ALWAYS knows the way and most certainly knows that which is in alignment with our highest good and passion-filled purpose.

While I do not subscribe to the belief that until we learn to love ourselves, we cannot share love with another, by learning to love and nurture ourselves first and foremost our relationships have a greater long term survival rate in my opinion, and are most certainly a lot more peaceful and calm than bringing another full on into our toxic, unhealed patterns.

Here’s to doing the work guys! Healing is far from easy, but oh so worth it.

Slow and Steady

My journey to health has been long and slow. I take a 3 pronged approach to healing; Spirit, Body, mind.

I am FAR from perfect, believe me. Diagnosed PTSD as a result of sexual abuse as a young teen, the death of my mother at 12 and various other atrocities I was exposed to between the ages of 13 and 18 affect my life to varying degrees on a daily basis.

I spent a great deal of my adult life in therapy and while it helped, the past few years have brought me closer than ever to where I want to be.

While some people deeply desire a dream job, a relationship, money or the like to bring them happiness, I simply desire to BE happy regardless of those external influences, all of which could be lost in an instant.

When i am in alignment with myself and my inner being the rest flows…It’s true! No more striving!

So that is at the foundation of my intentions. Changing my diet by eliminating sugar, complex carbs and most processed foods my emotional state has stabilized. I am not triggered nearly as often as I used to be. Of course I have also cut ties with those who have had a negative influence on me, or who quite simply really don’t give a crap about me. That was NOT easy, but i desire to surround myself with those who want to be part of this journey with me through the good times and the bad, knowing that at my core my goal is for healing and evolution, and my desire to support AND be supported in this collaborative process.

I am down 17 pounds since December 26th. In addition to a real food, healthy diet, I walk a mile a day, some days I run, some i do both, but always at least walk a mile, even in the frigid temps, i just bundle up! I enjoy taking in the natural surroundings here in these beautiful mountains. I really try to breathe in the beauty around me with child-like enthusiasm and a strong sense of curiousity.

I have also really been implementing the Law of Attraction, mostly Esther (Abraham) Hicks and have really grasped the idea of being the creator of my own reality. It really is magical!

I have forgiven those who have hurt and betrayed me, i will no longer live a life of victimhood. While yes, I was victimized as a teen, i am no longer a victim.

Stay tuned as i share the unfolding of this journey.

My intention is to be

Happy

Healthy

And Living a life of purpose, while embracing my geekiness along the way 😉 ’77!

Fully Alive

Those who have chosen to numb out and move through life like mindless zombies have little tolerance for those of us that allow ourselves to feel life fully.

The ups and downs of life, elation as well as the deepest grief, it is who we are, this is being human, this is being fully alive.

Those who are too afraid to feel will often attempt to shame and belittle those of us who allow all of the nuances of life to flow through us, WE are viewed as the weak ones in our vulnerability.

I am here to tell you that vulnerability is strength, to be seen, fully seen as we are; in anger, joy, fear, confusion we allow others into those experiences with us, it is who we are.

Lets stop appologizing for being human already. WE are the NORMAL ones.

Those who choose to live a life of lies, wearing masks, fear being seen and hide behind those lies and masks are the dysfunctional ones. And like zombies they try to infect us with those lies pulling us into the insanity of it all.

NO MORE

I am not afraid to stand alone!

What scares me most is the idea of conforming to such a sick society.

Allowing Ourselves to Fully Feel the Void

There’s this place between no longer and not quite yet, aka “the void”.

Most of us are scared to death of this uncomfortable place.

But the truth is, when we try to prematurely fill the void we create a block within ourselves to deeper healing.

It just prolongs the process, and we find ourselves repeating the same painful patterns over and over until eventually we decide to face the void, and walk away from familiarity, or false safety, because our craving for something deeper and transformative becomes greater than temporary satisfaction.

Our perception Creates our Reality

Memoirist Anais Nin said:

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

In other words, our own perception of others, various situations and experiences is based on our own past experiences with others, situations and engrained beliefs, belief patterns, and familial, as well as societal conditioning.

These false beliefs and thought patterns are filed away in our subconscious mind as truth, even if we are not cognitively aware of such thoughts.

It is these loops that are played from our subconscious minds that stand in the way of helping us remove various obstacles that prevent us from achieving our goals.

To take it even further, those of us who were raised in toxic, and/or abusive home environments where these false beliefs were continually programmed into our sub conscious minds from an early age find ourselves struggling in many areas as adults, trying to fight some invisible force and regain our power.

Awareness of these false beliefs is the first step, but then we must reprogram our subconcious beliefs to accept these new beliefs as fact.

There are many ways, through energy healing and energy psychology where we can achieve this and I will touch on some of these techniques in future posts.

It is often times easier for us to observe these self sabotaging patterns in others from the outside looking in, but when it comes to self observation we tend to slip into victim mode and blame others for our own suffering because we still actually believe we are powerless victims on a subconscious level.

While yes, many of us were indeed vitims of abuse, be it physical, emotional or spiritual we no longer have to run that victim/abuse loop in the here and now, nor do we have to continue giving our power away due to an unresolved ‘loop’ that continually tells us that we are powerless victims.

The truth is, we are the creators of this story, our story! Love you all bunches! ❤

An Honest Post about Depression and how Diet effects Mood (for me anyway)

As shared a few weeks ago (maybe a months now) I had oral surgery which I had been putting off for a very long time. It got to the point where antibiotics/pain meds were not even touching the pain. Two molars had to be extracted. I was however on antibiotics and vicodin for 2 weeks in an attempt to alleviate the pain. During that time I lived off of smoothies. I remained on pain meds and a different antibiotic for 10 days following my surgery.

Unfortunately the change in my diet really threw me off balance. The natural sugar from the smoothies, occasional ice cream and pudding.

Clearly I was unprepared. I began craving sugar and carbs again and have been off plan for a while now.

The worst part was how my depression and anxiety returned full on.

Both depression and anxiety will creep up on you and before you know it you find yourself spiraling down at the speed of light.

When I get in this place I shut just about everyone out and go into hiding, focusing all of my energy on caring for my son, I have little else to give beyond that.

I will be starting a 10 day cleanse/detox today that consists of fruit and green vegetable smoothies. And I also started taking two specific nootropic supplements; Genius Joy, and Genius Consciousness. Both are supposed to help tremendously with mood and receive excellent reviews. I am on day three and do feel as if the fog has lifted a bit. Oh, did I mention that I also struggle with ADD? Yep, i spent 5 years on Adderall to help treat it, but stopped a year ago, as the 30 mg. I was prescribed no longer worked and I found myself experiencing many awful side effects, including an increase in my blood pressure.

Mostly I am posting because depression can be such an isolating and debilitating illness. It is as if there is a voice in your head reminding you of all of your failures, insecurities and flaws that never shuts up! Anxiety on the other hand points out all the potential problens and disasters that ‘may’ present themselves in the future.

One thing I know with absolute certainty is that diet affects my mood, and when I consume sugar, and too many carbs I start spiraling downwards.

My chronic sinusitis has flared up big time, while it was under control for 6 months, especially when I cut sugar, wheat and dairy out of my diet and kept my carb intake to under 20.

So, this is me at bottom. A reminder that I alone am responsible for my health and well being. I am free to make whatever choices I want, but there will be consequences for those choices.

So…the cleanse begins today, and hopefully by next Saturday’s post I will be back to feeling happy, healthy and energized. Until then, keeping it real as always.